I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
