Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
