i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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