My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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