If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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