I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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