Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
