OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
