He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can you bring me the toilet please
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
