I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
