i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
