M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The Olympian is in my bed
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
