the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
