Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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