ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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