Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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