I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
