i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
