can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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