I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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