I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Randomize
