I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
