He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
