is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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