Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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