My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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