i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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