I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
