Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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