i wish there were pregnant emoticons
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
