i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
