Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
