I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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