she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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