Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
