Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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