I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
