Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
