Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
