thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
