A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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