the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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