My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
