me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
