i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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