Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
