she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
