Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
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I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
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When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?