my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
