Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
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Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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