90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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