i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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