I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just invented taco cereal.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
