Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
