Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
