Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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