glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing