Cold hands, warm shart.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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